This is a follow up to my first post. I am getting much better. The clarity of the events and of the future has been amazing (things that I knew before, but just didn’t pay attention to are significantly clearer). I have been reading a short book called “Journey Through Grief”. Basically, it address’s getting past the “Why”, letting go and understanding the big “Why” and moving on to how to journey through grief. I may be over simplifying the book.
My daughter is my chief source of help. Her strong religious beliefs and support from her church are her strengths. I did not mention this before, but she also has a double major, one of them being physiology. I can say she is doing better. We have tearful moments and then we are better. I know she has had a better overall grasp of the big picture than I did which should not amaze me, but it does.
I look at things quite a bit differently than I was. I look at people and think if wonder if they are prepared and I don’t just mean finically, burial or cremation (kind of sounds hard, but we all need to our loved ones know this). Get this, this started out embarrassing, but it is the truth: people would tell me their tragic events and I didn’t want to hear them. I wanted my own little selfish sorrow. As it turns out I have gained great strength through everyone else’s story’s. Everyone else’s story has reminded me of the big picture.
We have memories, tons of pictures. His last soccer game was recorded. Before his death Friday the family went to the pumpkin farm. My wife wasn’t going to go and at the last minute did and got some great pictures. Saturday, was a soccer day the whole family went to the game. Sunday, after church he had some stuff to do at work and the family went with him. On Monday the day of his death while he was at work each of the kids got to talk to him.
Some short stories.
A couple of days after my son in-law’s death I had the grandkids in Home Depot. We were fixing to leave and grandson #1 one was looking at a measuring tape and I asked him if that was what he wanted for Christmas. He gave me a funny look and said NO. (I know he wants toys, I got him a BB gun on his birthday) A lady (who knew I was his grandpa) said to him, I bet you want a gift card so your Daddy can come here and get what he wants. He looked at me, I could see it in his eyes. I didn’t make any big deal of it I just calmly and quietly told him she just doesn’t know. He seemed ok with that.
A week ago my daughter in the kids were over. My 5yr old granddaughter came in to the room and asked Mommy what’s Daddy doing in heaven? And my daughter looked at her and said I don’t know baby what do you think he doing? She said I think he is watching TV just like us. Everything was fine.
Yesterday, I was over at their house and grandson #1 telling me that for the Cub Scout soap box derby his car has to be ready by 31 January. He takes out his two previous cars and starts showing me what all he and his Daddy did to make and modify each car. It was pretty much Daddy help me do this, Daddy help me do that, we had to do this and that. I was thinking (read my first post) when the heck did his Daddy have time to do all this. My daughter told me son in-law thought sleep was a waste of time, although he slept, but he also always felt that it just wasn’t him doing all this stuff, he said he couldn’t do it by himself, he always had help from God.
I spent the rest of the morning getting the snot kicked out of me playing Halo with Grandson #2, 7yr old. Maybe I should have played my granddaughter? No, wait that would have been more embarrassing.
Thanks all who have written and those who have read and prayed. Your stories have touched me. I really appreciate your support. Take Care, Paul