Chili CookOffs

d2admin

Administrator
CHILI COOK-OFFS
NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third is even better.

For those of you who may have lived in Texas, you know how true this is!

They actually have a chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome! You will likely want to read this behind closed doors because, if you are like me,
you will be howling out loud.

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges,(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________
________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy s**t, what the h**l is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________
________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when hey saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________
________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s**t-faced from all the beer. __________________________________________________
______
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. **** is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________
_____
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
__________________________________________________
______
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s**t myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that **** Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________
_
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like s**t to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach
_________________________________________

Chili #8 Lester's Last of the Red-Hot Lover's Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see most of it was lost when Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?
 
Great first post, Starlight! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif Welcome to the best predator boards on the net.

Ol' Frank had a rough time of it! /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
 
This is great!!! It's the funniest thing I've read in quite awhile. By the time I got to the end I was laughing so hard I could barely read through the tears.
 
No, I'm not the Frank in the story. But I love Chile. Went with my wife to Brooksville, FL
A small restaurant serves a chile and bean soup that would melt the uranium shield off an Abrams tank. The waitress recognized me as having it there before. She says Do y'all like it like it last week? I said, no, it wern't hot enough! It's gotta be like battery acid and HFL2. (Hydrofluric acid melts glass)
Well she brings it out and I dig in. Well holy bejesus this stuff melts my false teeth. The tears are pouring out. The snots are running out of my nose and ears. My wife is laughing her butt off. I yell out, hat damn, this is the best chili I ever had here. Every one cracked up.
Frankie B /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/laugh.gif
 
Back
Top