This stuff would be funny if it wasn't so scary
ROMANCE
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used
to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her
hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she
said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave
her a
peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and
got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she
asked. "To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long
time .but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's
not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they
came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went
right
through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light
was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
_____________________________________________________________________________
DISREGARD
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The
dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
ROMANCE
An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep
but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used
to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her
hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she
said: "Then you used to kiss me. "Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave
her a
peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said:
"Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and
got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she
asked. "To get my teeth!"
_______________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in
the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to
play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long
time .but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I
can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least
three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she
said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's
not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they
came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went
right
through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light
was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I driving?"
_____________________________________________________________________________
DISREGARD
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has
been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the
dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The
dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."