After I retired, my wife insisted that I go with her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women-she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
Dear Mrs. Applegate,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from our store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Applegate, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 14 boxes of Depends and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of yellow Gatorade on the floor leading to the restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away!" This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and then received a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the service desk and tried to put a bag on M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'Caution-Wet Floor' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed "Why can't you people just leave me alone!?" EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into a security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk to see some ammo and then asked where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna' look by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" One of the clerks fainted on the spot.
Edited by Powerfisher (01/20/11 04:06 PM)
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