Death in the family, Modarators is this OK to post

Threewolves,
I lost my father to lukemia when I was 18. I hated the world I gave up a career as a SEAL because of the hate I felt. I never let my emotions show so everyone thought I didn't care. Trust me I cared I just had so much hate in me I couldn't let it go. And my father died from something that no one could really control such as a car accident.
Get counseling especially for the young ones. I let it boil for 20 years before it finally became to much and after three sessions of anger management I think I finally got it under control. Even if it looks like they are doing ok get them some counseling at least to start with it will help them later in life I wish I had back then.
From one who has been there get counseling now not later it will help everyone to deal with the tragic events.
Let the kids know it is ok to cry if they want to.
I am now 45 years old and I still cry every now and then thinking about all the time I missed out on with my dad.
Very Sorry for your loss. They say time will heal your wounds. NO but it will dull with time but it will never go away.
My personal feeling is that if it ever does go away it wil mean I have forgotten and that I will never do. Tell them to never forget and to carry his love with them forever.
 
Threewolves - There is nothing easy about your experience. Make sure your daughter and grandkids know they can lean on grandpa whenever and where ever they need to. And when you need someone for strength, grab your best friend and cry and cuss until you feel a little better. It seems to help when someone is there with you. Once you get past the part where it all seems so overwhelming, something that helped me with the losses I've had is faith in Jesus Christ. Through Him I know I will literally hold them in my arms again. I really, really look forward to that day. Between now and then, I try to keep a smile and remember the good times. Please help your grandchildren understand they will be able to hug their dad again. You've got prayers sent from Idaho.
 
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Having dealt with a lot of grief with families in your position, while I don't personally know some of your feelings, I do have one piece of advice.

Whether it is clerical, professional, or social services, get some family counseling... This is not only important for yourself, but your family and more importantly the children,

You will find that they need your support maybe more than you might need theirs, but a counselor will assist you with the right tools to help them with such a terrible loss.

It's easy to say, "I can work through this by myself", and maybe you can, but those children need all the strength and help that can be available.


God Bless..



++2 here, I see this as a key, primary concern at this time. They, you all, frankly, are still likely in a kind of shock. Their lives just changed radically as if they were struck suddenly by lightening. Prayers to you all, Matt
 
your in my prayers. My 15 year old daughter was killed in an auto accident on July 3rd this year. I couldn't even stay at the Expo more than an hour due to the grief I was feeling and that was several weeks later. I'm now plugging along in a daze and it's affecting my job as well. I am now gonna seek counseling and should've a couple months back. Please do the same so you can find a way to grieve and not put yourself through what I put myself through the last few months. God bless your family through these trying times.
 
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Quote:
Having dealt with a lot of grief with families in your position, while I don't personally know some of your feelings, I do have one piece of advice.

Whether it is clerical, professional, or social services, get some family counseling... This is not only important for yourself, but your family and more importantly the children,

You will find that they need your support maybe more than you might need theirs, but a counselor will assist you with the right tools to help them with such a terrible loss.

It's easy to say, "I can work through this by myself", and maybe you can, but those children need all the strength and help that can be available.


God Bless..



++2 here, I see this as a key, primary concern at this time. They, you all, frankly, are still likely in a kind of shock. Their lives just changed radically as if they were struck suddenly by lightening. Prayers to you all, Matt



It is hard to read this post. Terrible tragedy. Those grandkids are going to really need their grandpa. I agree with the quotes above. Get help. My prayers are with your family.
 
When I was 21, my husband was killed in a work accident and I was left to raise our little one alone. A sudden death is a terrible thing because there is no time to prepare: one moment life is "normal", and within minutes everything changes and you know life will never be the same again. It was very difficult but God took care of us. My parents were still living and they were a great comfort to us as well. I later studied to become a therapist to help people who had also gone through difficult times. I have worked with children who have lost a parent and play therapy is especially good because kids often have trouble putting their feelings into words. Play therapy with a trained therapist can help the children work through their feelings of loss. My daughter is in her early 30s now and she is also a therapist who works with children and their families. It's so important that you allow yourself to grieve as well. I tried hard to be strong for my daughter and didn't allow myself to grieve the way I needed to. It led to a depression that was immobilizing. I think that the more we loved that person, the deeper the pain. I am very sorry for your loss; try to lean on each other while also understanding that you may each grieve differently because you are all individuals. Take care-- I will pray for you, that God will comfort you as only He can.
huntingirl
 
This is a follow up to my first post. I am getting much better. The clarity of the events and of the future has been amazing (things that I knew before, but just didn’t pay attention to are significantly clearer). I have been reading a short book called “Journey Through Grief”. Basically, it address’s getting past the “Why”, letting go and understanding the big “Why” and moving on to how to journey through grief. I may be over simplifying the book.

My daughter is my chief source of help. Her strong religious beliefs and support from her church are her strengths. I did not mention this before, but she also has a double major, one of them being physiology. I can say she is doing better. We have tearful moments and then we are better. I know she has had a better overall grasp of the big picture than I did which should not amaze me, but it does.

I look at things quite a bit differently than I was. I look at people and think if wonder if they are prepared and I don’t just mean finically, burial or cremation (kind of sounds hard, but we all need to our loved ones know this). Get this, this started out embarrassing, but it is the truth: people would tell me their tragic events and I didn’t want to hear them. I wanted my own little selfish sorrow. As it turns out I have gained great strength through everyone else’s story’s. Everyone else’s story has reminded me of the big picture.

We have memories, tons of pictures. His last soccer game was recorded. Before his death Friday the family went to the pumpkin farm. My wife wasn’t going to go and at the last minute did and got some great pictures. Saturday, was a soccer day the whole family went to the game. Sunday, after church he had some stuff to do at work and the family went with him. On Monday the day of his death while he was at work each of the kids got to talk to him.

Some short stories.

A couple of days after my son in-law’s death I had the grandkids in Home Depot. We were fixing to leave and grandson #1 one was looking at a measuring tape and I asked him if that was what he wanted for Christmas. He gave me a funny look and said NO. (I know he wants toys, I got him a BB gun on his birthday) A lady (who knew I was his grandpa) said to him, I bet you want a gift card so your Daddy can come here and get what he wants. He looked at me, I could see it in his eyes. I didn’t make any big deal of it I just calmly and quietly told him she just doesn’t know. He seemed ok with that.

A week ago my daughter in the kids were over. My 5yr old granddaughter came in to the room and asked Mommy what’s Daddy doing in heaven? And my daughter looked at her and said I don’t know baby what do you think he doing? She said I think he is watching TV just like us. Everything was fine.

Yesterday, I was over at their house and grandson #1 telling me that for the Cub Scout soap box derby his car has to be ready by 31 January. He takes out his two previous cars and starts showing me what all he and his Daddy did to make and modify each car. It was pretty much Daddy help me do this, Daddy help me do that, we had to do this and that. I was thinking (read my first post) when the heck did his Daddy have time to do all this. My daughter told me son in-law thought sleep was a waste of time, although he slept, but he also always felt that it just wasn’t him doing all this stuff, he said he couldn’t do it by himself, he always had help from God.
I spent the rest of the morning getting the snot kicked out of me playing Halo with Grandson #2, 7yr old. Maybe I should have played my granddaughter? No, wait that would have been more embarrassing.

Thanks all who have written and those who have read and prayed. Your stories have touched me. I really appreciate your support. Take Care, Paul
 
Paul, I'm glad that your lives are getting full of something besides grief now.

Whith young kids around, they have a way of maikng that happen. /ubbthreads/images/graemlins/wink.gif

Barry
 

Just checkin' in, Threewolves--
How are things going? Holidays are always the hardest the first time around. It sounds like you are all leaning on each other-- that's important. You'll continue to be very important in their lives... grandpas become a lot more important when there's no longer a dad in the home...
huntingirl
 
Paul,
After reading this a couple of times I just wanted to say I was sorry to hear about this. I will pray for you and your family. I work as a police detective, a while ago I had to investigate a car crash where five teenage girls were in a car accident with a semi truck and after the accident the car burnt up badly.All five girls died. Life makes you think about what is really important to you. It is true everything changes in a blink of an eye, after talking to a lot of police officers and military men I think the common denominator is it is easier to live your life and possibly lose your life tomorrow if you know that you have touched peoples lives. Don't try not to think about it, whenever you think of him it again gives him purpose and meaning special to those who loved him and those he loved. You have to be appreciative for the time you had together and make the most of the time you have with your family. Here I am a stranger to you both and at this time you have touched my life and caused me to sneak upstairs and kiss my sleeping son goodnight. God bless all of you and please let the kids and your daughter also know he was important to a lot of people in this world- Matt
 

Huntingirl, McDonald

Yes, the holidays were tuff, but it seemed like the little things that trigger the emotions. My daughter said one of the things that got her was signing the little gift tags on the presents. You are used to singing from Mommy and Daddy.
An other story I was driving back over to my house, I had promised the grand children that they could ride the four wheeler and it started raining. Grandson
#2 out of the blue says “Look even the clouds are sad Daddy died”.
I feel each day is getting better or as my daughter put it, it is not that he has been gone for two months, it is two month closer to being together.

I’ll send a PM Take Care, Paul
 
For those of us so inclined, I found the following information on the web and I am posting it with Paul's permission and NOT at his request. My post is solely my idea with Paul's blessing. For the believers among us, God implores us to care for the widows and the fatherless....

http://www.mixx96.com/site/community_events/index.php?display_type=ongoing (Look at about 2/3 the way down)

DONATE GENEROUSLY! Andy Russo Ramjak Account at WSECU: Andy Russo Ramjak was killed October 27 by a car going the wrong way on I-5. Friends have set up an account at Washington State Employees Credit Union to help his wife and three kids. Donations can be made at any WSECU branch, or checks may be mailed to: PO BOX WSECU, Olympia, WA 98507 referencing “The Andy Russo Ramjak Fund."For more information, contact: Kristin Wickie, t=_self]">KWickie@wsecu.orgmailto:KWickie@wsecu.org[/b
 
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